Love Shouldn’t Hurt

By Amber Feltmann

According to the Center for Disease Control, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience physical violence by their intimate partner at some point during their lives. These violent actions are, but not limited to, stalking, sexual violence, physical violence, and psychological aggression. This statistic is terrifying to think about. I believe that a lot of people may be unaware of the signs of intimate partner violence in their personal relationships. I have had some close friends of mine experience intimate partner violence and they were not even aware of it.

A friend of mine had been dating a partner for a couple months. Their relationship seemed healthy and positive from what they had portrayed to our friends. However, that was not the case. One night I was hanging out with that friend of mine and she disclosed to me that he had punched her in the stomach. She did not seem upset about it at all and actually defended him by saying that he was mad at her, so it gave him the right to punch her. She even said that she told him to punch her just to get his anger out. I was very troubled as to how she did not recognize these warning signs of intimate partner violence.

At this time, I had been taking a course in college that informed me on the warning signs of intimate partner violence. We were given a handout in the class that had the power and control wheel on it, developed by researchers (Dutton & Starzomski, 1997). This wheel gives examples of the many different types of physical, sexual, and emotional violence that victims of intimate partner violence can experience. The wheel consists of eight different sections within the wheel which include coercion, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimize/blame/deny, attacks on parenting, abuse of male privilege, and economic abuse. There are many different warning signs within these sections which I will list a few of them below.

Coercion

  • Threatening to hurt yourself or partner if they leave

  • Threatening to leave the relationship

  • Threatening to take children away from partner

 Intimidation

  • Yelling at a partner

  • Destroying property

  • Displaying weapons

Emotional Abuse

  • Insulting or shaming a partner

  • Attempting to make a partner feel like the problem

  • Making a partner feel guilty

Isolation

  • Controlling what a partner does or who they see

  • Using jealousy to justify actions

  • Restricting a partner’s use of the car

Minimize/Blame/Deny

  • Blaming a partner for own problems

  • Claiming the abuse didn’t happen

  • Blaming a partner when abuser was upset

Attacks on Parenting

  • Making a partner feel guilty about the children

  • Using children to relay messages

  • Threatening to take children away

Economic Abuse

  • Refusing to let a partner work outside the home

  • Making a partner ask for money

  • Taking a partner’s money

I decided to give this handout to my friend and to provide her with some other information on intimate partner violence and what it looks like. Thankfully, she was able to end that relationship and realize that it was no longer a healthy relationship to be a part of. Intimate partner violence can happen to anyone of any gender or age. It is important to know the warning signs so that you can get the help that you need. The story of my friend serves as a glimmer of hope for anyone who feels as though there is not a light at the end of the tunnel. If you or someone you know is suffering from intimate partner violence or domestic violence, please contact the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or visit the Committee Against Domestic Violence website (www.cadamn.org).

References

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (nd). Violence prevention. Intimate partner violence. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/intimatepartnerviolence/fastfact.html

Dutton, D. G., & Starzomski, A. J. (1997). Personality predictors of the minnesota power and control wheel. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 12(1), 70-82. doi: http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy.mnsu.edu/10.1177/088626097012001005

Huecker MR, Smock W. Domestic Violence. [Updated 2020 Oct 15]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2020 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK499891/

RelationshipsKarla Lassonde