Is Obedience Outdated? No Way.
By Tracy Tschida
My niece’s children (ages 10, 5, 2) recently came to our place to do some fishing and enjoy the lake. When we weren’t looking, the five-year old loved to jump back and forth between the boat and the dock where there was always a tempting strip of water to leap over. I finally caught him at it and told him he couldn’t do that since it wasn’t safe. He proceeded to do whatever he wanted regardless of my directions until his older brother stepped in. After a five minute discussion, compliance was finally reached while I quietly fumed.
If my aunt would have said to me, “We can’t do that here, there are safety rules to follow around water,” I would have immediately obeyed and then felt bad afterward for needing the correction. Later it was explained to me, “In the new style of parenting” (my children are all adults now), “obedience is not required. Children need to exercise their independence. You don’t want to squash their spirit do you?” Huh??? Obedience, I guess, is now outdated. Old-fashioned. Obsolete. Buy why? It’s not like I was asking the children to do something sinister. I just needed them to be safe so they wouldn’t trip and crack their heads on the dock.
I decided to investigate the answer to my question, and it turns out that yes, according to some experts obedience is now wrong. In the Psychology Today article, “Do You Want to Raise an Obedient Child?” (spoiler alert, if you silently answered “yes” to that question, you may be outdated), Dr. Laura Markham begins with this quote by H.L. Mencken, ‘Morality is doing what's right no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told no matter what's right.’ In summary, according to the author, obedience is wrong and children need to be given rein to explore creativity and independence without artificially imposed limits. I disagree with this guidance.
I think a more accurate quote is “Obedience is a response to authority.” We know that blind obedience can lead to horrible consequences as we have seen portrayed throughout historical events and as psychologist Stanley Milgram found in his famous “shock experiment” conducted in 1961. Obedience that results in maliciousness, cruelty, and injustice is, of course, wrong.
Does that mean that all obedience is wrong? Or that all authority cannot be trusted? No way! After all, there are times when we want our children to be 100% obedient. (Anyone who has ever taught their children to drive can attest to this. In the act of running a red light, it is not the time to be engaging in a lengthy discussion of whether the new driver wanted to stop or not.) As adults we comply with the expectations of our employers and bend to traffic laws and other civil rules generally without question.
So how do we navigate the difference between blind obedience and willing compliance to authority? According to Parenting for the Brain, it hinges on respect. Parents need to foster respect in their relationships with their children and with others. Children need to learn that they are valued and their opinions matter, but they also need to see that other people’s thoughts matter, too. They need to witness their caregivers being respectful to others, even complete strangers. Children will learn how to respect themselves and their personal boundaries as well as learn how to notice disrespectful behavior. From this platform of mutual respect comes conviction against harmful acts and courage to stand up for their beliefs. These virtuous attributes make them stronger, not weaken their independence or trample their spirits. Helping them to recognize the difference between justice and injustice leads to empathy and open-mindedness.
Sometimes, as adults we need to realize the difference between safe, respectful boundaries that instill growth (like water safety) versus barriers that inhibit learning. Boundaries, in and of themselves, are not wrong. We need to find the balance between past child-rearing practices that new parents may find too restrictive and current practices that may be too lax. We need to learn from the best and worst practices of the past rather than forgo everything that was taught. We cannot, as the saying goes, “throw the baby out with the bathwater.” Perhaps we can be a bit old-fashioned, without being outdated.
References
Markham, L. (2017). Do you want to raise an obedient child? Psychology Today. 2017, September 19. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parents-happy-kids/201709/do-you-want-raise-obedient-child .
Parenting for the Brain. (2021). What is respect: Six highly effective ways to teach kids respect. Parenting for the Brain. (2021, April 22). https://www.parentingforbrain.com/6-controversial-tips-teaching-kids-respect/.
PsychEd. (2019, September 11). Milgram’s obedience experiment [Video file]. YouTube.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBDkJ-Nc3Ig.