Ways to Help Young Children Cope with a Parent’s Addiction

By Samantha Bennett

Parenting can be such a challenge within itself, but what if you had to face parenting on your own while the other parent is dealing with substance abuse issues? According to the World Health Organization (2019), substance abuse refers to the harmful or hazardous use of substances affecting the mind, including alcohol and illicit drugs, that can lead to a dependence and difficulty controlling its use. Substance abuse is already such a taboo topic in our culture, so when it comes to the combination of substance abuse and parenting, people would rather turn the other way. Over the course of five years, I’ve learned to be honest about my children’s father. When I am asked, “Why is the father not in their lives more?” I used to sugarcoat this question, but now I’m honest and say he struggles with addiction. I also add that even though he is struggling with addiction, he tries to see them as much as he can and still be a father. I often get the same response from people. They tend to feel bad, but quickly run away from the conversation, making me feel alone. I often question whether or not I should continue to keep this matter private. I have also heard from people, “Don’t go around telling people about their father’s addiction, it will only hurt them, and it is embarrassing for them!” If we continue to keep addiction a secret, what are we solving?

Where Do We Go From Here?

The constant shame and backlash I have felt over the years made me really think about the situation. Where do we go from here, being parents who are dealing with the other parent’s addiction? No matter if our situation is identical or different, as parents we all want the same thing for our kids; putting their interests first! If children are separated from their parent, living with the parent, or lost the parent due to substance abuse, it can often cause confusion and be difficult for the children to deal with. Upon researching, there seems to be a major lack of advice for parent’s dealing with this issue. I want to help individuals who aren’t aware this issue exists have a more in-depth understanding of the hardships. I would like to begin the first step and help individuals in this situation similar to me understand we have ways to help ourselves and our children cope. It is important to highlight there is such a gray area in dealing with the other partner’s substance abuse. This means there is no right or wrong answer for these situations.

Their Parent Isn’t a Bad Person

Substance abuse can often lead to addiction, which is now recognized as a disease. According to Psychology Today, addiction is a condition in which a person engages in the use of a substance, or in a behavior, for which the rewarding effects provide a compelling incentive to repeatedly pursue the behavior. There is scientific evidence that addictive substances and behaviors activate brain pathways of reward and reinforcement, many which involve dopamine, a chemical the brain releases. With that said, at one point that parent was well aware of the choices they were making, but now, addiction is in the driver’s seat taking control. It is so hard to get out of the loop of addiction. It is also difficult for a young child to understand the concept of substance abuse and addiction. In order to begin to help them, listed below are recommendations on what to do.

Let your child know that their mother or father is not a bad person at all, especially if the parent still wants to be in the child’s life.
Depending on the age of the child, explain the situation to them in a way that makes sense corresponding to their age. It is better to tell the truth and start talking about the problem earlier on rather than having the child making up assumptions in their head.
If they are young children, start by letting the child know their parent is sick and they aren’t always their true self if they aren’t feeling well.
If at all possible, let children see the mother or father as much as they can. It is important to put emphasis on supervision while they are not under the influence.
Let the child make the choice to see them. I found over the years that this is a major obstacle for me to overcome, but it will send the message that it is okay to still love your parent with an addiction.

Be Aware

As parents, it can be hard talking to your children about uncomfortable topics. We tend to get so caught up in our daily routines that we sometimes forget to check on our children’s emotional well-being. According to Anaheim Lighthouse (2018), young children can be severely impacted by changing interpersonal relationships with parents and the environment can change for a child, with the parent having an addiction. This can go on to cause changes in the brain and brain development, which makes children more prone to depression, anxiety, social behavioral problems, risk-taking and a higher risk of addiction themselves. Being aware there is a potential for these risks can help us tailor to the needs to ensure prevention. Even if they are playing happily, just a simple question can go a long way! After a fun day at the park with my son giggling and playing, I ask him, “How are you feeling today?” Most days my son will tell me he is good and wonder why I’m asking him this question. Other days, he wants to talk about his father. I always remind him how much his father loves him and how loved he is by everyone else. A simple question can let children know they always have someone they can trust and talk to, no matter the circumstances.

Coping with Parent Addiction 3 - Samantha Bennet.jpg

It’s Not Their Fault

Often with children, it can bother them when someone doesn’t want to play with them or want to see them. They often wonder if it is something they are doing wrong and they don’t fully understand the other circumstances involved. For example, my daughter thought no one wanted to play with her at a park one day because she asked and no one said yes. In her mind, she felt ignored, but it was just because she asked quietly and no one heard her. Children can feel the same about addiction. They may blame themselves, but it is important to make the child understand that they didn’t cause the addiction and they cannot cure the addiction. This will be a hard concept for young children to understand, but it is important to give the child time to cope with the situation. More importantly, make sure you as the parent, take the time to understand as well and understand there is no time limit which is okay!

Positive Outcomes

Overall, talking with young children about addiction as parents won’t ever be as easy as it sounds. In fact, it will be one of the hardest things a parent has to do, but it will only open up a door for a positive cycle. The children will learn that it is okay to talk about it, especially if they have more of an understanding. It will also help the parent they love and care about to begin the road to recovery. The addict may be a wonderful person, but they unfortunately fell into a cycle of addiction. When they see that their child knows and understands addiction, it will help them being the recovery process. If they can talk to their child in an appropriate manner about addiction, it might be one step closer to their recovery because they will feel as though they have someone to talk to.

References

Anaheim Lighthouse (2018). How drug addiction affects children.

Child with addicted parents [Online image 1]. Retrieved on April 9, 2019

Psychology Today. Addiction: Substance abuse.

The seven c’s [Image 2]. Retrieved on April 9.

World Health Organization (2019). Health topics: Substance abuse.