The Bond Between Us -What Do Close Relationships Do for Us?
By Julia Stegmaier
Remember the last time you made a joke with your best friend, and only the two of you knew what it was about? How about that big hug from your mom? Or the adventurous stories of your childhood that brought you and your siblings together? Such memories can make us feel truly connected to the person with whom we shared those moments. Simply thinking about these situations can bring a smile to your face. Have you ever wondered how these close bonds can make you so happy?
Caregivers, siblings, close friends, and romantic partners have something in common. They share a special connection with you. This connection can be referred to as a bond, which is “a relationship between two or more individuals that signifies trust and alliance” (VandenBos, 2015). Therefore, people use bonding to describe an experience with people we love, trust, and care for, bringing the relationship close together. In particular, bonding is defined as “the process in which attachments or other close relationships are formed between individuals, especially between mother and infant” (VandenBos, 2015). Indeed, you are probably not surprised that bonding with the people around us happens early in life.
Attachment often determines how we form close relationships with others. It refers to “the emotional bond between a human infant or a young nonhuman animal and its parent figure or caregiver; it is developed as a step in establishing a feeling of security and demonstrated by calmness while in the parent’s or caregiver’s presence” (VandenBos, 2015).
You may have heard of the famous attachment theory by John Bowlby. The theory provides a fundamental understanding of attachment between children and their primary caregivers. It emphasizes the infant’s attachment to the primary caregiver, who is most often the mother, and the implications for separation, deprivation, and grief (Bretherton, 1992). Researcher Mary Ainsworth reaffirmed the theory by introducing new concepts, such as the attachment figure as a secure base for the child’s exploration and the role of maternal sensitivity in shaping attachment patterns (Bretherton, 1992).
But how do infants first attach to the people around them? Ainsworth’s (1989) findings exhibit species-specific behaviors, notably crying, to attract caregivers. Initially, attachment behaviors are indiscriminate, but over time, infants differentiate between individuals. Around six months of age, infants form an “inner representation of the primary caregiver,” experiencing “separation distress” when the caregiver is absent. At this stage, infants are “capable of attachment,” likely extending to other familiar figures beyond the mother. Also, the author highlights a similar view of how infants’ attachment to their caregivers may work by Schaffner and Emerson (1964). According to them, human infants initially show attachment behaviors to all caregivers; however, they increasingly focus on those who are responsive to their needs (Ainsworth, 1989; Ainsworth, 1967; Schaffer & Emerson, 1964). In essence, once infants are attached, they use the caregiver as a secure base for exploration and a haven for reassurance (Ainsworth, 1989; Ainsworth, 1967; Schaffer & Emerson, 1964). This concept can also be applied to romantic relationships. Once securely attached, individuals may use their partner as a safe base for personal growth and fulfillment, and feel comfortable taking risks and pursuing their goals, knowing that their partner will be a supportive and reassuring presence in times of need.
Bowlby and Ainsworth’s attachment theory is a construct that has been incredibly important to the psychological world, but also to better explain why humans need to form these close bonds with others. Though, one variable missing from this important attachment research is culture. In Western middle-class cultures, the primary caregivers for infants are adults, primarily mothers, “with some participation by fathers and occasionally grandmothers and babysitters” (Keller, 2018). Thus, “in many non-Western rural communities, in different but complementary ways, infants learn first and foremost the views of others and their place in the social system.” While the expressions of care and love may vary from culture to culture, the idea is that people need this emotional connection to create a sense of security or trust.
The bond between you and a close person is a unique connection that exists only between you two. Feelings of security and trust are vital for humans, yet young humans establish these feelings when they bond with their primary caregivers. While close relationships are necessary, they do not have to be limited to primary caregivers. Anyone who establishes a connection with you can fulfill this role. So, the next time you and your best friend laugh at an inside joke, share childhood stories with your sister or hug your mom. Consider them as the moments that will bring you closer to each other and give you genuine happiness.
References
Bretherton, I. (1992). The Origins of Attachment Theory. Developmental Psychology, 28(5), 759–775. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.28.5.759
Keller, H. (2018). Universality claim of attachment theory. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 115(45), 11414–11419. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1720325115
Salter Ainsworth, M. D. (1989). Attachments Beyond Infancy. The American Psychologist, 44(4), 709–716. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.44.4.709
Schaffer, H. R., & Emerson, P. E. (1964). The Development of Social Attachments in Infancy. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 29(3), 1–77. https://doi.org/10.2307/1165727
VandenBos, G. R. (2015). APA dictionary of psychology. Second edition. Washington, DC, American Psychological Association.