Is Communication Really the Key?
By Kathleen Ristau
Have you ever heard the phrase communication is key? It is the most important tool that you have in a relationship, not only romantic ones. Why is communication so important though? Good communication and honesty with your partner can not only strengthen your relationship but can also make you healthier.
Good Communication
Telling someone how you feel is tricky by itself because it makes us vulnerable, but when you know it may hurt them it is even harder. Good communication is talking right away and not holding things back until they explode. An explosion unleashes everything that is wrong or that has bothered you. Instead of talking about one thing, you tend to end up in an argument or even a yelling match. Sometimes you forget what even started the argument.
There is something known as effective communication which refers to the sharing of meaningful and timely information in an empathetic manner (Zhan et al. 2020). This includes listening to the person who is trying to communicate with you. When you are speaking, you want the other person to listen. You need to give that person the same respect you expect. You need to not only listen to them but also understand what they are saying to you. You may be able to act like you are listening but are you truly hearing the message?
Face-to-face communication is important when communicating with your partner whether it is a small or large issue. Body and facial cues can be indicators of how your message is being received. Texting can provide you with the confidence to say things that you might not truly mean and regret later. Also, you are not able to hear the tone of the message through text, which then can be interpreted wrong. Phone calls are not the ideal form of communication when discussing a sensitive topic. Technology allows people to ignore messages or calls and not resolve the situation.
Being open with your partner about things at the moment can be the most beneficial. The content is important as well. Using “I” statements can be crucial. You do not want to put your partner on defense right away. Make sure that they know how you are feeling and why you want to talk to them. For example, one partner is frustrated that they are not getting help around the house. They could go to their partner and say, “I wanted to talk to you about how I am feeling. I am becoming overwhelmed lately with housework. I know that when I start to get overwhelmed, I get very cranky and short with you. It would really help if we could both do it.”
Is this an entirely realistic situation, probably not. We can all get frustrated, mad, and lose our cool. That does not help the other person understand what we need or how we are really feeling. Allow yourself to see it from both points of view. Think how you would receive the message you are trying to get across. Also staying in the moment, whether it is good or bad. Not allowing yourself to use words that you know will hurt the other person is very important.
Health Effects
Sometimes telling people what they want to hear, telling white lies, or holding everything in can be easier than the truth. Is that really easier? Does it make you or the other person feel better or are you just prolonging the inevitability of those discussions coming to light? Not telling the truth can have significant effects not just on your mental health but also on your physical health. I know for me, even white lies can cause stress, anxiety, and overthinking. No one needs health issues.
A study was done where they took two groups of people, one of the groups was asked not to lie and the other group was asked not to change their lying habits for 10 weeks. They would all come in and take questionaries about their physical and mental well-being every week. The no lie group experienced, on average, about four fewer mental-health complaints, such as feeling tense or melancholy, and about three fewer physical complaints, such as sore throats and headaches. They would find that the normal white lies they told, about not being able to make it to something or what they were up to, seemed pointless and it was much easier to tell the truth than come up with a lie.
Yes, feelings and truths are hard, and communicating them to others can be even harder. However, poor communication could not only hurt your relationship but also your physical and mental well-being. Hard discussions, awkward moments, and tough choices are uncomfortable. Are you willing to be uncomfortable for a short time to live a better life with your partner? Only you can answer the question if communication is truly the key to a great relationship.
References
Lying Less Linked to Better Health, New Research Finds. American Psychological Association. (2012). https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2012/08/lying-less
Seven Keys to Effective Communication Skills in Relationships. Seattle Christian Counseling. (2020, August 19).https://seattlechristiancounseling.com/articles/7-keys-to-effective-communication-skills-in-relationships
Zhan, L. and Lou, M. (2020, February 3) I Am Talking but Are You Listening? The Effects of Challenge and Hindrance Stressors on Effective Communication. Human Performance 33 (4) 241-257. https://www-tandfonline-com.ezproxy.mnsu.edu/doi/full/10.1080/08959285.2020.1724111