How Memories (or Lack of) Influence Our Relationships
By Kayla Graves
Memories are often the one thing we feel that we can hang on to in life, even as everything comes and goes. They help us shape our understanding of ourselves and those around us. The truth is, our memories have many gaps, which can be caused by several factors. The clear image we have of the people we know may not be as perfect as we think. To an extent, we understand the limits of memory since most boring workdays are left forgotten. Yet, we may be failing to take into account how this affects our relationships.
One factor that can greatly impact our memories is emotion. When experiencing something filled with emotion, we might think this event should be accurate in our memories. One study done at Ithaca College found the opposite to be the case. Participants we asked to recall images that were either neutral or negatively emotionally charged. They were able to identify the negative photos more often but also were more likely to falsely claim to have seen negative photos they had not. It can be argued that while emotional events strongly stand out to us, we are not necessarily successful at remembering details, and are actually susceptible to creating false memories. These findings could potentially be translated into our own relationships. When experiencing conflict with the people in our lives, we may misremember details, or become susceptible to remembering details that did not occur. It’s no wonder coming to a resolution can be difficult, because both parties might be relying on a different set of facts from the events. At least, in this case, some form of memory is likely to stand out.
Another study found that lack of emotion can conversely inhibit our ability to remember events. Participants were split into two groups where they were both asked to remember details about a film, but one group was asked to refrain from displaying emotion while watching. The results showed that when the participants suppress their emotions while viewing a film, they were much less likely to remember details from it. One possibility is that the presence of emotion is how we make events/details meaningful. So, if we suppress emotion, it is much more difficult to attribute meaning to things. This can be dangerous because many people want to seem even-keeled in their relationships, want to reduce the “burden” their feelings might present, or various other reasons. If we do this, we might fail to remember events that otherwise would have been important, such as moments of being mistreated. This is important because we may not be making fully informed decisions as to who we choose to keep in our lives if this is the case.
The good news is that there is hope, and our limited memories do not have to have negative impacts on ourselves or our relationships with others. If we can have awareness of just how imperfect our memory is, we can have more understanding and compassion in moments of conflict. The lack of remembering by those around us does not come from a place of ill-intent, and we ourselves are similar. Sometimes coming to an agreement does not have to hinge on fine details. We can also utilize the use of external memory, such as journaling. If we frequently record our life events as they happen, we’ll have an external memory source to turn to. If we fail to remember mistreatment after a long period of time, journaling may help us spot these types of patterns in our relationships. For more information on how to improve your memory in your daily life, visit Psychology Today’s article “7 Ways to Enhance Your Memory”.
References
Anderson, R. (2016). 7 Ways to Enhance Your Memory. PsychologyToday. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mating-game/201609/7-ways-enhance-your-memory
Brown, S. (2011). All Memory Is Not Created Equal--Positive Memory Seepage. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pathological-relationships/201107/all-memory-is-not-created-equal-positive-memory-seepage
Ithaca College (2017, December 9). Emotion Makes Memory Unreliable. NeuroscienceNews. Retrieved from http://neurosciencenews.com/emotion-memory-8148/
Richards, J. M., & Gross, J. J. (2000). Emotion regulation and memory: The cognitive costs of keeping one's cool. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(3), 410–424. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.79.3.410