Being Raised by a Single Parent Who Dates: How It May be Affecting the Children
By Narissa Gran
Growing up, my father had three girlfriends in his life which affected me in many ways. When I would meet each girlfriend I would develop a bond. This bond, unexpected to me, was stronger than the one I had with my mother since their divorce. It was sudden when everyone disappeared. I would ask my dad, “are we going to see so-and-so this weekend?” and he would respond vaguely and act almost annoyed. I didn’t get it, but I do know those relationships shaped my disdain for the long-term relationship my dad finally had and is now married to. It wasn’t until I began reflecting on the past that I realized why I may have acted the way I did.
So I thought, how much does a dating parent affect the children involved? Tara Groth, a journalist, noted that children are continually adjusting and by introducing new relationships too soon, it can have negative emotional and psychological effects (1). These may include:
Trust issues
Attachment issues
Resentment
Trauma or emotional pain
Michael Ungar, a family therapist, found that relationships are starting and ending faster than ever which is creating unstable environments for children. More than 50% of children are experiencing instability by ages 5 to 12, with three or more changes to who’s parenting! How do parents handle the kids after a relationship ends? Although most will cut ties, Ungar points out it’s usually not that simple for children. The variance in a relationship's strength and the children’s age makes a difference in how they take the split (2).
It also seems that some parents hide their relationship until it becomes more serious. Then, depending on the amount of comprehension of the children, some may end up resenting the new relationship if it was hidden from them for so long. Although most suggest waiting to tell the children, it’s another teeter-totter of when and how it’s most appropriate. Groth’s best advice is to wait at least six months before introducing them to the children. Personally, I can see why since an early introduction without knowing if this person would make a long-term partner gives the child unstable relationships in an already broken home. When a couple thought they would work out but ultimately split up, Ungar suggests that children remain in contact with the ex in order to transition smoothly.
Personally, I can identify with that advice. When my father broke it off with his second girlfriend, she knew the significance of the relationship she had with me and remained in my life despite their break up. I thank her for this because to this day she is still an important figure in my life and this helped me accept that even though they broke up, she wasn’t breaking it off with me. It is important for parents to realize the impact relationships will have on their children, especially when they’re already involved in an unstable one. Even if a child seems too young to remember or understand, attachments begin at an early age. Parents need to consider:
Trust takes times
Be patient with the transition
Get to know your partner well long before introducing them
Communicate and talk with your children
Consider everyone’s feelings and intentions
Although it may be tempting to introduce your new relationship to your kids, remember, children are impressionable. I always consider how I felt growing up and know that when it comes to my family, I want to be as open and honest as possible before ever introducing any new significant figures.
References
(1) Groth, L.T. When Should Divorced Dads Introduce The New Girlfriend? DadsDivorce.
(2) Ungar, M. (2015) When Parents Date Someone New, What’s Best for the Kids?. Psychology Today.