Being Assertive to Develop Your Relationships
By Christina Sanders
I thought some people were naturally more assertive because it was “just the way they are”. I always wanted to be able to tell others how they were affecting me, but I was scared they would not like me if I did. When I learned that being assertive is something we have to be taught and practice, and it’s uncomfortable for everyone, I breathed a sigh. In my last job, I kept silent about something that really bothered me for years, and it ended up making me unhappy and hurting my working relationships.
I had a co-worker once that would tell me how I should do my job differently every day I was in the office with her. Some days I was so frustrated with her interruptions and unwanted corrections that I would be snippy or ignore her. That usually led to her having more corrections to tell me about, but with a worse attitude. I really wanted to have a good relationship with her (and all my co-workers), but no matter what I tried (agreeing to do what she wants, talking extra nicely to her, etc.), it was never good enough. As the years went on, I felt increasingly powerless, frustrated, and lacked confidence. It wasn’t until I started learning about what it means to be assertive, that I felt like I had some power over myself and my relationships.
Why be assertive?
It can improve our relationships with others, it teaches people how to interact with you, and it can help us feel self-expressed, accomplished, mature, and professional. Being assertive gives us the ability to be true to ourselves, while still being considerate of others. This does not mean you being assertive is going to make everyone happy all the time, but it does mean you are treating yourself as important and giving others an opportunity to have a great relationship with you.
Assertiveness changes the way we view situations: A study done on how college students viewed giving an impromptu speech showed that those higher in assertiveness viewed giving the speech as a challenge. The students low on assertiveness, viewed it as a threat (Tomaka, et al., 1999).
Assertiveness can lead to people treating us better: Studies have been done on the benefit of assertiveness in the workplace and found that people who behaved more assertively at work, were treated more fairly by their managers. It also found that people who were more assertive, trusted their managers more and were more positive about their appraisals (Korsgaard, 1998).
Why we don’t do it:
Assertive behavior is taught, we aren’t born able to do it. And even once you learn how to do it, it can feel really uncomfortable! Usually before I am going to be assertive with someone, my hands get sweaty, and my heart starts racing. Luckily, the more you practice it, the easier it gets.
How to do it:
When you feel it is necessary, express your feelings and stand up for yourself in a way that is clear and direct, while respecting the rights and feelings of others.
Before you talk to the person(s):
Identify what you want. What do you want the other person to do? Do you want them to just listen, to take an action, to not take an action? Be clear with what behavior you are going to request. With my co-worker, I wanted her to stop making comments about how I do my job. If she was concerned about my work performance, I wanted her to report that to our boss and he and I can discuss it together.
Practice! If you are nervous about asserting yourself with someone, or even if you aren’t nervous, practice it with a friend first. I like to write down what I am going to say and then look at it again the next day to see if it sounds right.
When you talk to the person(s):
Check your body language. Confident (not aggressive) and calm facial expressions, open body posture, and sit or stand up straight.
Check your tone of voice and how fast you are talking. You want to have a calm tone, speak in a slower pace.
Point out their behavior, not your interpretation of their behavior. Example behavior: “Please don’t make comments about my work performance.” Example of an interpretation: “Please don’t harass me about how I am not working like you do” (“harass” and “working like you do” are both interpretations, not behavior).
Understand that they may not take it the way you want them to. We cannot control other people’s thoughts, actions, or feelings. Not everyone is going to respect your boundaries. Have a plan for how you will handle things if your boundaries aren’t being respected. With my co-worker, when she kept commenting on my work, I would go work in a different building (I was lucky I could), or I would let her know I was going to concentrate on work and not able to respond to her for a while.
Address it as soon as possible. Once you know what you need to say, make a point to make it happen. It’s up to you to make it happen. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Tell other people what it’s going to take to treat you as the important person you are through being assertive. When other’s see how you treat yourself and them with respect, they will be more inclined to respect you.
References
Tomaka, J., Palacios, R., Schneider, K. T., Colotla, M., Concha, J. B., & Herrald, M. M. (1999). Assertiveness predicts threat and challenge reactions to potential stress among women. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(6), 1008-1021. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy.mnsu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.76.6.1008
Korsgaard, M. A., Roberson, L., & Rymph, R. D. (1998). What motivates fairness? the role of subordinate assertive behavior on manager's interactional fairness. Journal of Applied Psychology, 83(5), 731-744. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy.mnsu.edu/10.1037/0021-9010.83.5.731