Is Low Self-Esteem Affecting Your Relationship? How Can You Fix It?
By Kailey Van Riper
Life in general involves relationships of different types. These relationships influence your mental, physical, and emotional health. Self-esteem affects how we think about ourselves. Low self-esteem can cause problems with these people you socialize with, the people you need support from. It can keep you from achieving your goals. Low self-esteem may not be as obvious to others and how it affects an individual and their life. Everyone struggles with self-esteem at times but if it is consistently lacking, it can have a negative impact on your relationships.
The Effect on Relationships
Low self-esteem can distort your perception of your partner. Evidence supports the conclusion that self-esteem influences relationship satisfaction rather than relationship satisfaction influences self-esteem (Erol and Orth 2016). A person’s self-esteem can not only influence his or her own relationship satisfaction but also his or her partner’s satisfaction. According to the research article “Self Esteem and the Quality of Romantic Relationships”, evidence suggested that individuals with low self-esteem think that their partners see them as negatively as they see themselves. So, to avoid disappointment, they tend to distance themselves, which in return reduces the relationship satisfaction of both partners.
Another research study I want to mention is one that examined how needs for acceptance might influence low versus high self esteem people’s capacity to protect their relationships in the face of difficulties. They conducted this experiment by leading participants to believe that their partner thought there was a problem in their relationship. They then measured the perceptions of the partner’s acceptance, enhancement, and closeness. These results were that low self-esteem participants read too much into the problem and thought that their partner’s affections and commitment might not be there (Murray, Rose, Bellavia, Holmes, & Kusche 2002). They then distanced from their partner and reduced closeness. But high self-esteem participants talked to their partners about the problem. The researchers reported low self-esteem people had greater anxiety about their partner’s continued acceptance, as compared with high self-esteem people (Murray, Rose, Bellavia, Holmes, & Kusche 2002). Low self-esteem people also reported much less positive and optimistic evaluations of their partner than did high self-esteem people because they had greater anxieties about acceptance. The desire to protect themselves against the hurt of rejection could result hurting the relationship.
In the end, low self-esteem can cause arguments, insecurity, and other types of relationship difficulties. When you have low-self-esteem it might be difficult for you to ask for help. So, you may not get your needs fulfilled in a relationship because you’re too afraid to ask. You may be sensitive and take feedback personally, feel rejected. You may have difficulty being yourself and question your worthiness. You are more likely to ignore your core needs in a relationship. These are all roadblocks to a healthy relationship.
How Can You Fix It?
If you struggle with low self-esteem, you know it weaves itself throughout your life. However, by changing the way you interact with your partner and challenging your mindset, you can make positive changes in your relationship. Repairing low self-esteem takes time. It also takes a lot of self-awareness to call yourself out on behaviors you might not like but it allows you and your partner to be on the same page.
Identify the Positive About Yourself
You need to believe the positive things your partner says about you. If your partner sees you as attractive, intelligent, hardworking, accept that these are traits that you have. You might be quick to ignore but over time you will come to see yourself the way your partner sees you. Treat yourself with kindness and encouragement. In general, positive internal dialogue can be a big part of improving self-esteem.
Express your Emotions with Honesty
You might see signs of rejection where none exist; this causes weakened attachments. As I mentioned above, high self-esteem participants talked to their partners about the problem. Their attachments were stronger. Allow yourself to experience your emotions. Its normal to have emotions and expressing them is okay. If you feel neglected by your partner, recognize that it’s okay to feel bad and the emotions don’t define you or the relationship. Communicate your wants, needs, feelings, and/or opinions in your relationship. It might be difficult for you to ask for help but you won’t get your needs fulfilled in that relationship if you don’t.
Low self-esteem can be a serious issue. It’s draining and toxic for the person struggling and over time, everyone around them. It likely stems from years of negative thinking and it’s a difficult pattern to correct. If you feel you are struggling immensely therapy is also a great option. A trained professional can explore the underlying thoughts and feelings that could be impacting your self-esteem. Many individuals may avoid or ignore the self-esteem-problem but being open about it can lead to much more long-term solutions. People with good self-esteem generally feel positive about themselves and about life. This makes them better able to cope with life’s ups and downs. Self-esteem can absolutely be improved through long-term positive interactions. Overall, you need to talk to your partner, communicate areas that you may need some extra support in and most importantly take care of yourself. Doing so will help you boost your self-esteem and as a result, relationship satisfaction for both you and your partner.
References
Erol, R. Y., & Orth, U. (2016). Self-Esteem and the Quality of Romantic Relationships. European Psychologist, 21(4), 274-283. doi:10.1027/1016-9040/a000259
Murray, S. L., Rose, P., Bellavia, G. M., Holmes, J. G., & Kusche, A. G. (2002). When rejection stings: How self-esteem constrains relationship-enhancement processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(3), 556-573. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.83.3.556